kajones_writing | Advent Story 2012: The Fae World: Esra: On Earth (Reply)

(taken from Esra’s journal after her arrival on Earth)

Alder is busy, but then that’s not really a surprise. He’s been busy ever since he become the family elder and it’s been hard for both of us, even though it’s also been a huge advantage. Without him I doubt anything would have been done to fix the problems our race was having. Yes, that fix was to leave everything behind, which is still hard to cope with, but it was our only option. I know that, he knows that, our Princess Willow knows that, and I’m certain that coming here has made the elders realise that too. There’s just a part of me that wishes it never had to happen, a part of me that is hugely grateful that is happened, and a third part that’s trying to pull the two other parts together.

I wish we’d never travelled to Earth for a mix of reasons, some of which I’m only realising now because we’re here and some that I knew from the moment Alder told me what was happening. The most difficult thing was leaving everyone behind, even though they’re all dead. I’ll never be able to visit their graves and tell them how much I miss them. It’s something I think everyone was feeling as we stepped through the door, as many fae were looking back over their shoulders. The really stupid thing is that sometimes I hated my family. Most of them never accepted me, because of what Mother did, and then when she left things got even harder. Father viewed me as nothing more than someone he could use to make alliances; my older siblings all saw the damage Mother did to Father and took it out on me; and the only one I ever really felt comfortable with was Alder. Now it’s just us and I’m now realising how much they meant to me, even if I didn’t mean much to them.

One of the things I’m realising now is how much everything has changed me. I don’t know why but my feelings are getting much stronger and I think that travelling to Earth caused it. Now I know that I’m meant, for some reason, to get close to Princess Willow. That’s not going to be easy, I don’t really think she trusts anyone, but at least I have Alder to introduce me to her and from there I have to make things work. Unfortunately my feelings don’t come with a guidebook – I wish they did – so I have no idea why I’m being told to get close to the Princess, which is one of the hardest things about having such vague premonitions. If that’s even what they are. Father never believed me, but thankfully Alder always did.

The other thing I know is… I hate it, but it’s one of the strongest feelings I’ve ever had and that means it’s one of the ones I have to act on. Mother is somewhere on Earth and I need to find her. Again I have no idea why I need to find her, which is annoying me more than anything else, but if I don’t then I have a feeling that something is going to go very wrong. That makes me laugh. Feelings upon feelings upon feelings. Sometimes I can’t help wondering if my life would have been easier if I was born someone else, someone without any premonitions, with a family that wanted me, and a mother who didn’t disappear. That would have meant my life had no Alder in it, unless something happened to make us meet, but I don’t know if having him makes up for all of the other things I’ve had to deal with.

I wish I didn’t feel like this any more. I’ve been trying to deal with the way I feel about my family, my life, and all the baggage that comes with being me for years, so surely I shouldn’t feel like this. When I stepped through the door I wanted, more than anything else, to have the weight of everything lifted off my shoulders, but life isn’t that simple. Instead I gained more baggage, more problems, and all I want to do is hide somewhere so I don’t have to deal with them.

Then I think of Willow. She’s lost almost her entire family and yet she still keeps going. I still have the brother who always loved me and I’m the one who wants to give up. It makes me feel weak, even though I know if I told any of this to Alder he’d tell me that everyone copes with things in different ways. I just wish I wasn’t someone who coped better, who felt like I could take on the world no matter what, but all I want to do is forget about everything. Before we left I heard of someone who had the ability to take away memories and I found myself wondering if I should get everything taken away so I can begin again. It would hurt Alder and the last thing I want to do is hurt him, but I don’t want to hurt any more.

If I’m honest I doubt the someone even exists. I couldn’t get a name from anyone, so it seems like he’s a figment of someone’s imagination. Although I can’t help thinking that I want to meet the person who could make up an ability like that, because they seem like they’d understand exactly where I’m coming from, in a way that no one else can. The likelihood of that happening is minimal, even though there are hundreds less in the camp that I was expecting. I was one of the first ones through the gate, after those who still needed medical attention, and I couldn’t help watching the new arrivals with Alder. Each family that followed had dealt with at least one loss and often many more. Mothers and fathers had lost children; aunts and uncles had lost nieces and nephews; but the hardest hit were our elderly. When I left there had been no one over the age of one hundred and that was something I hadn’t been expecting.

Mirrored from K. A. Jones Writing.