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kajones_writingAfter a moment I realised Jack was holding me because he needed the support. We were the only two people, apparently, who remembered Matt, and neither of us knew how to cope with that. He was obviously doing much better than I was, probably because he’d had more time to get used to it than me. Finally, breathing deeply, I looked up at him. “How are we going to do this?” I asked, needing to focus on what our next step was going to be. Everyone though we were together and that wasn’t going to be easy for either of us.
“Honestly I don’t know. They think we’ve been together for eighteen months and we’re blissfully happy, planning a future together, so we can’t just end it, no matter how much we’d like to.”
I nodded, sighing. “We’ve got to make the split look as natural as possible for them.” I stepped backwards, so I wasn’t in his arms any longer, and looked back over at the screen. “I just don’t know how to do that, Jack.”
“Neither do I. All we can do is take things one step at a time, because none of this is going to be easy for us, but we have to put them first… we have to put everyone who doesn’t remember Matt first. Especially my parents.” Jack brushed a hand through his hair. “You have no idea how glad I am that you’re here, Amy, and that you remember him. I really hoped you would. The last thing I needed after this morning was to try to act as though you really were my girlfriend without falling apart. I’ve been trying to keep myself together, even though it’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.”
Jack sat down on the bed, shimmying back so he was leaning against the wall, and I sat next to him, feeling almost as though I was with Matt. Before they’d always seemed to be very different people, but I hadn’t really known Jack very well. Maybe they were more alike than I’d realised, so pretending we really were in a relationship wouldn’t be as hard as I feared it was going to be, especially as the two of us went to the same college together and people would expect us to be like all the other couples. I found myself looking at him, trying not to compare the two of them. Unfortunately it was much harder that I thought it was going to be.
Matt was dark, like their dad, while Jack was blond with blue eyes. This is the point at which I want to say he wasn’t my ‘type’, but I’d never really had one. I fell in love with who I fell in love with and Matt I’d fallen in love with because he was Matt. There was no other reason for my feelings. We used to hang out together at school, even though he was two years above me, as we had the same sorts of things in common, although he was never really comfortable spending all of his time learning. He started working straight after school instead. Jack, on the other hand, was much more academic, so he had gone to college and he was, as far as I knew, in the middle of doing three AS levels and one A2. Matt talked to me a lot about Jack, always proud of his little brother. That didn’t mean I always listened as well as I should have done.
“Having this room is something I can’t get used to.” Jack sighed. “I can’t get used to Matt not being here, but it’s all the little things that remind me of it that make it harder. Both Mum and Dad believe that I’m the eldest son, because they don’t remember Matt. How can they not remember him?”
“According to the website, if you’re willing to believe it, magic is how.” I shook my head. “I’m not certain I do, but it really does seem to be the only explanation for what’s happened.”
“Before I really stopped to think about what I was doing I sent those people an email, because I want to know as much as I can about what happened, especially as I’m scared, Amy, that it might happen to me or you and then one of us would have to go through all this again.” Jack rubbed his eyes, looking as though he was trying to stop himself from crying. “I can’t. This time is hard enough. When I look at those pictures I’m just reminded all over again of how Matt used to be in them, but now I am, and they really remember them being taken the way they were, while I remember it all so differently.” He sighed. “Mum gave birth to him. It just doesn’t seem possible that she can’t remember that.”
“You shouldn’t be thinking about this so much. We need to focus on the future, because we’re the ones who’re going to be living it, no matter how hard that is. Thinking about Matt all the time is just going to make it much more difficult. He’s gone. As far as we should be concerned he’s dead, he’s not coming back, and we need to let go of him, otherwise we’re just going to be clinging onto a past that only happened for us.”
It took a while, but Jack did nod. “I know. I keep telling myself that. It’s just hard, Amy.” He sighed. “You’ve only known for a short time…”
“Jack, it’s not just that. I don’t live with him, so it’s not something I’m going to be reminded of every moment of every day. This is going to be much harder for you and I will do everything I can to help you through all this.”
“I can’t ask you to do that. You have your own life.”
“We share our lives, remember?” I managed to smile at him. “This is something we’re going to have to deal with together, even though you might not want to.”
Mirrored from K. A. Webb Writing.
